I Love You, Usually
by fawkes21
Summary: GSR. The title says it all. (reposted due to a glitch in the system)


A/N: The title for this story came from something that my boyfriend said to me one day. For the record, he was being facetious – he loves me all of the time. I thought it could be an interesting take on a certain relationship. I don't usually do couplings (especially this one!) but I liked the idea too much to let it go. Read, review and enjoy!

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I love you – usually.

I love you when you trust me so completely with the most precious of your possessions. You trust me with that wild, wondrous mind of yours. You trust me with all of your complexities and nuances and allusions. You invite me interpret and delve into your brilliance, which makes me feel brilliant in return. You allow me to come into your mind and try and figure out what goes on up there. I don't always get it right, and I don't always understand, but I love you for trusting me enough to venture where the weary fear to tread. I love that you trust me to match wits with you and that you think that I am the only one capable of understanding the method to your madness.

I love you when you support me. No matter how badly I mess up, I know that you will always be right there to help me put it all back together again. The night that you held my hand when I was caught driving under the influence was both the best and worst night of my life. I knew I had let you down but there was something so wonderful in knowing that you would save me anyways. You stood by me when I thought that I was standing alone, caught in my own personal chaos. You found me in my darkest, scariest place and you came and sat there with me. You let me unload my demons onto you. You couldn't slay them for me, but you made it clear that they didn't have to hurt me anymore. You have fought for me even when I wasn't sure that I was worth fighting for. You always stand by me, no matter what.

I love you when you look at me. You make my knees quake and my heart quiver. When you look at me that way, it as if you and I are the only two people left in the world. Nothing around us matters, as long as your eyes are locked on mine. Even in the asylum, when I thought I might die, you were still the only one in my thoughts. You looked at me and I thought, if that is the last thing I see before dying, then I have no regrets about going. You were still the only one there, even with all of the insanity going on around us. I know that everything will be just fine as long as the two of us are in it together. When you look at me, I can face any fear and win any battle.

I love you when you challenge me. I like knowing that I have to fight to have you. The things worth having are usually the things that you have to fight the hardest to get. I want so badly to be with you that I won't take "no" for an answer. I will continue to try and make you want me as much as I want you. Secretly, I think you want to be with me too, but something is holding you back. I don't know what it is yet, but half of the fun is trying to figure out what it is that keeps you from surrendering completely. It can be a frustrating game that we play, but there is something oddly gratifying about the thrill of the chase. I relish in finding the key that will unlock that heart of yours so that you will finally be where you belong, which is with me.

I love you – usually.

I love you, except for when you hide yourself behind those deep thoughts. Your mind becomes an impenetrable fortress and I am left standing on the outside, wondering what battles rage inside. I try to channel your brilliance and wind up feeling stupid. There are times when you don't trust me enough to come inside and see what is that you are thinking. You did it with the Strip Strangler; you did it with that girl who bore an eerie resemblance to me. You tried to do it with that doctor, but you didn't know I could hear every word you said to him. It hurt, knowing that you could say those words and reveal those innermost thoughts to a murderous stranger. You let him into the recesses of your mind, but you wouldn't let me. You, who normally allows me to get deeper into that complex brain of yours than anybody, shut me out. You refuse to let me in to challenge your mind. You barricade yourself in your thoughts. You make impossible for a girl like me to even stand a chance of understanding what it is that goes on up there.

I love you, except for when fail me. You don't see the problem until it is right in front of you. Or you see it, and have no idea how to deal with it. And sometimes you make things right for a while, only to make them wrong again. After you held my hand that night, you never brought up my drinking problem again until I did. You supported me until it got to uncomfortable. You pulled away from me in the moments that I needed you the most. You could support me in my presence but never in my absence. When I need you the most, you are never there. You aren't there when I cry in my sleep or when I wake up with a hangover from thinking too much. You aren't there when I reach out to you emotionally. You support me as long as you don't have to understand me. You always fight for me, but sometimes I wonder if you question what it is that you are fighting for. You sit quietly there with me, but sometimes I need you to talk to me too. I need more than just your presence; I need your help. As your support is unwavering, so too are your silences.

I love you, except when you turn away from me. Your rejection is the one thing in this world that I cannot bear. You push me away when I try to draw you in. I cover it up with excuses about "looking for acceptance in the wrong places" but the truth of the matter is that I am just trying to lick my wounds and heal my wounded pride. Your eyes burn a hole into my soul, then die out like a burning ember. I don't understand how you can stare at me so intently one minute, then look at me as if I am a complete stranger the next. Every time you turn your eyes away from mine, I fall apart a little inside. I want to keep you looking at me forever but it seems to be impossible. Even when I come to you, and force you to look at me, you always find a way to turn your back on me. Your eyes hold the secret of my life but it is a secret that you won't share fully. You lure me in, only to push me away again. Did you share the same gaze with Lady Heather? Or with Terri? How do you make me believe that the look in your eyes is between you and me only? Every time you turn away from me, it's as if I myself have forgotten how to see.

I love you, except for when you give up the fight. You make the game so hard, and then you end it so abruptly. You make the rules and you change them as you go along. That night at the ice rink, when you told me about beauty, I thought I had the game all figured out. Then you pulled out of the running for a while. You always do this to me. Every time I gain any ground, you have to go and make everything complicated again. Sometimes you bring in a new woman, one who seems so wrong for you. Sometimes it will be a case that impacts you in a way that I can't understand because you won't let me. Sometimes I think you just decide you aren't winning so you pack your things and go home. You take things from challenging to impossible in the blink of an eye. A girl is lucky to just keep up with the games that you play. Sometimes I think that the "chase" that I relish in is nothing more than a wild goose chase, with no end in sight. I like a challenge, but I need to know that this is a game that I stand a chance of winning.

I love you – usually.

I love you.

I love you, except for when I don't.


End file.
